


Wayne Academy for the Incredibly Gifted and Annoying

by Living_Free



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DC Animated Universe, DC Universe, DCU, DCU (Comics), Justice League - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, DaddyBats, Domestic, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Slice of Life, batfamily, teacher!au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-09-25 13:30:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9822731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: Bruce Wayne is the well regarded founder and principal of the illustrious Wayne Academy. He runs a tight ship, and he likes few things - his job, Dick Grayson, Tim Drake, and Damian.He does not like Mr. Kent, Nurse Todd, or Mr. Harper.And yet, they will all come together to keep Wayne Academy running on a day to day basis.





	1. Nurse Todd

Jason's day started and ended with the shrieks of children. Their blood regularly flowed freely down their various limbs, tears tracking down their faces. Jason wiped them away as best he could, calming the little ones and assuring them that they were safe. At the end of the day, he went home, fell unceremoniously into bed, and repeated the whole cycle again the next morning. 

Such was the life of a school nurse at Wayne Academy for Gifted Children.

Jason trudged into his office early one Monday to see that there were two people already waiting for him. "Mr. West, who is your student and what seems to be the problem?"

The skittish, young, Mr. West fidgeted before answering, "Um, Zatanna here seems to have started her, um, that is to say-"

"There was blood in my undies!" The petite girl cried in a panic. 

Jason raised his eyebrows in some surprise at the ten year old. At her age, she was a little young to start her period, but it fell within the normal range. He looked to a pale, stuttering, Mr. West, and ushered him out the door. "That's fine, I'll take care of it from here. Mr. West, are you sure you don't need to sit down?"

Wally West hurried out of the office, shaking his head in a harried manner. Jason sighed and turned to his little patient. "So, Zatanna, have you ever heard of a pad?"

\-------------

"Nurse Todd!"

Jason looked up from his paperwork in surprise to see his least favorite member of staff striding towards him. "Principal Wayne, to what do I owe the pleasure?" He asked dryly. 

Bruce Wayne moved slightly to reveal a small child standing in his massive shadow. "Young Colin Wilkes has scraped his knee and requires medical attention," he said, gesturing at the sniffling five year old. No sooner had Bruce completed his sentence than another small figure barged into the office. 

"Colin! Do not fret, I have dispatched your harasser!" Little Damian Wayne squeaked. "Nurse Todd, I would request that you administer a lethal dose of morphine to one Billy Batson, who will come to see you with a black eye. The world will be better off without him."

Jason looked at the feisty five year old comforting his friend and looked up questioningly at Principal Wayne, who looked scandalized. "Damian! I have told you that killing and maiming is not an appropriate response to anything!"

"But Colin-"

"Mr. Wilkes will recover," Bruce said firmly. "You are to report to my office immediately."

"I will not leave my friend!"

"Dami, it's alright, I don't want you to get into trouble," Colin piped up, addressing Damian with stars in his eyes. 

Bruce dragged his son out, muttering about disciplne and morality. Jason looked back at his little charge and pulled out a colourful bandaid with a smile. "Let's see that wound, hm?"

\--------------

"Nurse Todd?"

Jason's eyes snapped up in irritation, only to mellow once he saw who his addresser was. Mr. Richard Grayson, the Phys Ed and Language teacher was standing at the doorway, carrying a box of takeaway. "You didn't come to the breakroom, so I brought you lunch," he said, beaming. Jason might have melted just a little bit. 

"Thanks, Mr. Grayson, that's kind of you. You wouldn't believe the day I've been having."

Grayson smiled. "Little Damian again? I heard about that. Honestly, he's a sweetie, he's such a loyal friend." 'Sweetie' wasn't the word Jason would have used, but he went with it. 

"Yeah. I wonder if Wayne's ever going to control his kid," he settled for saying. 

Dick frowned. "I really don't get it, Damian is a model student in my classes. I babysit him after the day is over, and he's an absolute peach." 

Jason smirked. One source of Wayne's constant worries was that Damian seemed to favour his Language teacher over his own father. Grayson was often used as a babysitter for the brat while Bruce worked late. Grayson had been one of Bruce's students when the man was a teacher himself, and the bond that they had formed had only grown stronger with time, with Bruce taking Grayson as his protégée. 

"Yeah, he's a peach alright. Say, you are you free this evening?" Jason asked slickly. "Roy and I are having a movie night, and I thought you might want to join."

Grayson blushed prettily and nodded, making Jason's heart skip a beat. "Thank you, Nurse, I'll be there."

Jason beamed. "Call me Jason."

Grayson smiled softly. "You can call me Dick. I'll see you tonight, in front of the gates?" He gave a final smile and slipped out of the office, presumably to tell Bruce that he wouldn't be free to babysit tonight. Jason punched the air in happiness, and spent the rest of the day with a smile on his face. 

\------------

"Hey, Jason-"

"Roy, I really need you to fuck off early tonight," Jason interrupted his friend, who looked hurt and confused. "I've invited Dick Grayson over, and-"

"Ah," Roy said, englightened. "Say no more, Jay, I am a man of some knowledge on this topic. I will bow out with a case of severe gas at seven tonight, leaving you free to court the delicious Grayson- OW!"

"Don't talk about him that way, you shit-"

"Dickie and Jason sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G, OW!"

The night air was punctuated by the screams of one Mr. Roy Harper, who would need an ice pack later that night.


	2. Principal Wayne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce is forced to socialize. 
> 
> Nothing good can come of this.

Principal Wayne's open door policy was always in effect, and always for show. Rarely was anyone allowed to invade his sanctum without prior permission, with the exception of Dick Grayson.

Clark Kent was definitely not one of those exceptions, yet there he stood, looking like an overgrown pug, with large, wet, eyes. 

"Go away, Clark."

"Bruce, you have to admit that the teachers here are not as cohesive a unit as we could be. I honestly think that a day away at survival camp would allow for better bonding. It'll only help the overall environment."

"Fine," Bruce groaned, "I'll schedule it for the next Professional Development day. Now, go away." Clark beamed at him and skipped out, leaving Bruce sulking in his chair, his only companions being the butterflies in his stomach. 

\------------

"Welcome to Camp Themyscira," Counsellor Prince boomed, deafening Bruce. 

"Ow," Bruce groaned. "Pipe down, Diana."

Diana gave Bruce a sympathetic smile and continued. "This is the finest survival camp in the country - I spent many happy memories here as a child, living off of the land and fighting the wildlife. I have a wonderful itinerary for you today, and by the end of our survival training, I hope that we will have forged closer bonds." Bruce paled. This would involve socialization. "The first activity is a water rescue. Would the following people get into the pool - Dick Grayson, Wallace West, Shayera Hol, and Bruce Wayne."

Bruce grumbled his way into the pool and glared at Dick, who glided gracefully to bump into him. "Cheer up, B," Dick smiled. "Someone's got to rescue us now. Who knows, maybe Clark will get his hands on you." Dick swam off, leaving his mentor seething in the frigid water.

A sharp whistle sounded, and several people jumped in to rescue their assigned partners. Dick watched Jason swim towards him purposefully, hope swelling in his chest. Distantly, he could hear Bruce splutter as Clark scooped him out of the water effortlessly, and swam back to the shore. Jason bobbed up next to him, and cheekily wrapped his muscled arm around Dick's waist. For his part, Dick swung his arms around Jason's neck, and they made their way back to the bank. 

"I think Dick's swallowed some water," Jason said urgently, "I'll need to give him mouth-to-mouth. Stand back!" Just as Jason was about to connect with an amused Dick, he was pulled away by an irate Bruce. 

"Dick is fine," he hissed. "I won't be able to say the same for you, though, if you touch him." Jason gulped as Bruce dropped him, leaving Dick to stare reproachfully at Bruce. They were joined a moment latr by Diana. 

"Jason, where is your assigned rescue? You were supposed to save Mr. Jones." Just then, they heard a withering gasp, as Roy Harper struggled to shore, tugging a somber John Jones behind him. 

"Jason pushed me in the water!" Roy whined. "I was supposed to get Dick, not Mr. Jones! The man is huge!"

"Are you calling me fat, Mr. Harper?" The civics teacher rumbled threateningly. Roy quailed and shook his head, stuttering out praises for the other man's muscled body. Jason left his friend to his humiliation, looking instead to Dick, who held out a warm cup of cocoa for him. 

On the other side of the camp, Clark was trying to wrap Bruce in a warm blanket, only for the older man to fret and squirm away. "Dammit, Clark-"

"Bruce, please, let me take care of you," Clark plead. "I wouldn't want to see you catch a cold." Bruce allowed the Ethics teacher's arms to encircle him, and willed the butterflies in his stomach to die. One look at Clark's beaming face was enough to reanimate them. 

Damn.

\------------

The rest of the day passed in a haze of activities, leaving the educators tired, weary, and slightly disgusted at Jason and Dick's fledging love story. They were all gathered around the fireplace, roasting marshmallows, when Clark nudged Bruce's shoulder. "Look up," he whispered. 

Bruce obliged, and was met by the first stars of the night. He watched as several more appeared, twinkling, and was reminded of Clark's eyes. Damn that man.

"They remind me of your eyes," Clark said, causing Bruce to look incredulously at him. "Yo get a twinkle in your eyes when you're up to something," he said cheekily. 

"Don't be ridiculous. They're far more reminiscent of your eyes - a midnight blue that houses brilliant little sparks of good humor, friendliness, and-" Clark looked softly at Bruce, his eyes focused on the other man, throwing Bruce off. 

"And?"

"A penchant for irritation," Bruce grumbled, causing Clark to burst out laughing. Bruce chuckled along with him, the butterflies dancing merrily in time with every giggle.


	3. Mr. Drake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim is sick. 
> 
> Bruce is enigmatic. 
> 
> Jason tries his best.

"Mr. Drake, back again I see," Jason said suspiciously. Timothy Drake, the chemistry teacher, shuffled into the classroom and nodded sheepishly. 

"I need another paracetamol," he muttered. "I have the beginnings of a fever."

Jason frowned at the skinny, pale, pathetic boy - and yes, he was just a boy - and placed a hand on his forehead. "Screw beginnings, that's a full blown fever. You need to lie- DRAKE!" Jason caught the smaller man just in time as he went into a dead faint. "Shit, shit, shit, check breathing, check heartbeat," Jason mumbled to himself, carrying out the checks, when Tim started to come to. 

"N'rs Tdd?" He slurred as he woke.

"Mr. Drake," Jason said, relieved. "I'm calling the hospital, you need-"

"No, its fine, I just need my meds. Besides, it's exam time, and I have a lot of work-"

"Boy," Jason thundered, channeling Madea, "you better not test me on this-"

"Nurse Todd, Mr. Drake is fine. He just needs his medicine," Principal Wayne said from where he had appeared from the door. "I will administer his-"

Jason drew himself up to his full, towering, height, and stood nose to nose with Wayne. "Now I know that you're a big shot, Mr Wayne," he glowered, "but Drake is my patient now. If you think that I am going to let that boy walk out of here just so that you can work him to the bone so as to get your twisted way to fulfill some kind of 'mission', then you'll have to do it over my dead body. That boy is going to go to the hospital, get checked out, and go home with a companion, and if you try to stop me or Drake-"

"Drake-Wayne."

"-then I will pull your intestines out through your foul mouth - what?"

"Mr. Drake-Wayne. He has a compromised immune system, which he needs to take specific medications for, and I always carry a set on my person for him. Now, please let me administer said medications for my son," Bruce said evenly, sidestepping a gaping Jason to gently cradle the skinny boy in his arms. 

Jason watched as Bruce injected Tim with a fast acting fever reducer, and proceeded to give him the rest of his pills. After Tim had drifted off to sleep, Wayne lifted the boy and proceeded to walk out. At the door, he turned to address Jason. "When you see Mr. Grayson, please tell him to bring Tim's bag home." Then he buggered off with Tim swinging from his arms. 

\------------

"How many kids does Wayne even fucking have!?" Jason cried, burrowing his face in Dick's stomach, as the man stroked his hair. "I called him so many things! I'm going to lose my job! I'll have to go back to live in the projects!"

"Aw, don't worry, pickle," Dick cooed to his boyfriend. "Bruce didn't mind. In fact, he asked you over for Christmas lunch to get to know you better. I told him that I was planning to keep you around for a while."

Jason whimpered, burrowing further into Dick's stomach.


	4. Little Damian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damian sees, Damian knows, and Damian hates with the fire of a thousand active volcanoes.

Five thirty. The brats had gone home. 

It was time for Jason to shine. 

"Darling, I've come to ravish you," Jason growled, sweeping into Dick's classroom, clad in a Zorro inspired mask. "Divest yourself of your clo- EEP!" Jason stopped short as he saw little Damian Wayne glaring at him while Grayson hung his head in exasperation. 

Jason left, horrified, his boner having wilted in the fire of his shame. 

\------------

"I heard someone was being a naughty boy," Jason smirked, walking into Dick's classroom, armed with the headmaster's pilfered tweed suit. "Over my knee, Grayson!" He growled, slapping the perfect, little, tush in front of him. Dick yelped and spun around in shock, revealing that he had been carrying little Damian in his arms. 

Damian snarled and clung to Grayson protectively. "I shall tell father about your deeds, Todd!" The tot threatened Jason's fleeing form. "Don't worry, Grayson," Damian said to a surprised Dick, "I will have father kill him."

"Oh, Dami, no," Dick giggled.

"Father won't mind, I've heard him talking about wanting to set Todd on fire!"

Dick burst out laughing, but made a mental note to tell Jason to suck up to Bruce a bit more, for the sake of his continued employment. 

\------------

"Nurse Todd, come in," Bruce said evenly, beckoning Jason forward. Jason walked into the room, illuminated only by the light of the fire roaring in the hearth, which, really, was overkill. What kind of douche had a fireplace in their office?

"Principal Dou-um, Wayne, if this is about me saying that I would rip your guts out through your mouth, then I'm really sor-" Bruce stopped Jason with a raised hand, and stared at the fidgetting man. The silence stretched to breaking point, and just as Jason was about to either scream or have a massive shit from the tension, Bruce spoke.

"My son has spoken to me about you."

"Which one?" Jason asked warily. 

"All of them," Bruce replied. "Tim thinks that you're rough, but sweet, while Damian thinks that you should be burned at the stake. Dick, however, can do nothing but sing your praises."

"Wait, Dick's your kid too?"

"Richard John Grayson-Wayne," Bruce confirmed. "An official Wayne as of eight years ago, when he turned eighteen. Tim and Dick don't use the Wayne surname, though," he pouted. "Some nonsense about being their own person."

Jason could only stare at the petulantly pouting man, until he was jerked out of his reverie by a pointed cough. He looked into the corner to see Damian standing in the shadows, armed with an iron poker. The child hurried over to Bruce as fast as his little legs could carry him, and presented him with the sinister looking tool. "He is here, father, now kill him! You have all that you need - the weapon, the motivation, and the means to dispose of the body!" Damian cried gesturing to the merrily burning fire. "End him so that Grayson can be solely ours once more!"

"Oh my God!" Jason yelled incredulously, when he saw Bruce's pondering expression. "You can't kill me, I'm the nurse! Besides, you'll break Dick's heart!"

Bruce sighed and flung the poker aside. "He's right, Damian," Bruce said morosely. "We cannot break Dick's heart - his stupid, stupid, heart." Bruce turned back to Jason, taking on a businesslike air. "I expect that you will treat my son like the prince that he is," Bruce said, as Jason nodded. "I want to see him happy, healthy, and by the end of the year, with a diamond engagement ring the size of his head, is that clear?" 

Jason nodded frantically and made to run out the door, when Bruce called after him. "Nurse Todd?"

"Yes?" Jason whimpered. 

Bruce sat in his armchair, half draped in the shadows cast by the room, stroking his son's head like some kind of Bond Villain. "If you ever steal my clothes for your sex games again, I will personally put this poker in a distinctly uncomfortable part of your body."

There was nobody on Earth who could have matched Jason's speed in that moment as he fled his boss' chambers.

\---------------

The next morning, Bruce found his freshly cleaned tweed jacket on his desk with a note attached, which read-

"Didn't wank in your suit, but cleaned it anyway. You're welcome."


	5. Flu Season

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason sees skin. 
> 
> Bruce sees red.

The staff of Wayne Academy shuffled into their eight 'o clock meeting with mugs of steaming tea and bleary eyes, the only exception being Mr. Grayson, who bounced in as he normally did. He was followed by his younger brother, who was nursing a mug of coffee the size of his head, and was in turn followed by Principal Wayne, who resolved to kill the first person who spoke.

"Good morning, Bruce!"

Alas, Clark would have to die. A pity to have to murder the source of his lust-filled dreams, but needs must, and the need to kill the root of this ungodly joy was paramount. 

"I'm terribly sorry that our time together has been cut short, Clark," Bruce mumbled sadly, "but I cannot allow you to spread your damn happiness this morning. You are joyful, and so you must die. Goodbye," he said, reaching to strangle the frightened ethics teacher.

"Principal Wayne! Please refrain from killing Mr. Kent," Jason scolded him. "I don't want to have to deal with a dead body this early in the day. Besides, we are gathered here because of another pressing issue - flu season," Jason announced gravely, to the collective groans of the faculty. "In preparation for this year, I have come up with a battle plan," he announced.

"Our saviour!"

"Our hero!"

"All hail Nurse Todd!"

Jason accepted the praise stoically, and raised his hand for silence. "I have arranged for the staff to receive the latest flu vaccines today after classes. Report to my office at five thirty, butts   
in the air," he said, winking saucily at Dick.

Bruce watched angrily as Jason and Dick made kissy faces at each other, and looked away, feeling nauseated. He caught Clark's eye, glaring at the other man. "Nurse Todd, I think Bruce is looking a little green," he said worriedly. "Do you think he needs a shot now?"

Jason beamed and flung an arm around Bruce. "Up you get, Bossman, there's a needle thirsting to meet with your big a-"

"Todd!"

"-a-a-areola?" Jason stuttered, blurting out the first vaguely medical sounding term he could think of. Bruce glared at him and stalked out, the nurse at his heels, insisting that he take his shot like a man.

\----------

"Roy, quit whining," Jason snapped. Roy whined louder and fidgeted. "Geez, they made the right choice for the drama teacher." Without warning, Jason stuck the needle into Roy's arm, eliciting a pained squeal. 

"Oh, pain! Oh, agony! What have I done to deserve the pain of Satan's barbed tongue licking at my nubile, young, body!?" Jason stared at his wailing friend for a second before shoving him off. 

"Out! And you may exhibit some flu like symptoms, but do not come crying to me!" Jason called, effectively kicking his best friend out. "Next!"

\----------

Jason smiled comfortingly at Dick as he rolled his sleeve up. "That's it, angel," Jason encouraged, "you're such a good boy." 

Dick blushed and giggled. "Jason, we're still on school grounds."

Jason hummed and seductively sanitized Dick's arm with rubbing alcohol, making the man gasp a little at the cool liquid on his skin. "Shh, I've got you," Jason whispered, injecting his boyfriend. "...and that's it. Now, you can get your kiss because you were such a good boy," Jason said, planting a tender kiss on Dick's lips. 

Dick giggled into the kiss, which was interrupted by Bruce striding in and dragging his son away, only to take his spot. "I guess I'm next," he growled menacingly. "I hope you will maintain your professionalism around the rest of the staff, Nurse Todd."

Jason sighed and chose an extra thick needle for the vexing man in front of him. 

\----------

"Principal Wayne, with all due respect, please go away. Mr. Drake is a grown man-"

"He is delicate, and small, and he needs me!"

Tim sighed as the two men argued over his fragility. "Guys, I'm fine," he assured the bickering men. "I can handle a shot, I've taken them before."

Jason sighed and shot Bruce one last look before focusing on Tim. "Stay very still," he advised the boy gently. Tim did as he was told admirably, and smiled at Jason when it was over. 

"Thank you, Nurse Todd," he said softly, jumping off the bed. 

Jason smiled and nodded. "As loath as I am to say it, stay with your dad tonight. You're most probably going to get a fever as a result of the shot, and I don't want you taking unnecessary risks." Tim nodded like the sweet boy that he was, and waved as Bruce ushered him out of the office.

Jason shook his head at Bruce's antics and smiled, recognizing that as vexing as the man could be, he was a good father.

"Next!"

\-----------

"Fucking hell, Clark, I can't do this," Jason huffed tiredly. "There's nothing for it. Come on, show me that hiney, man," Jason said, flipping his flustered patient over. 

"Nurse Todd, this is bordering on sexual harassment-" Bruce cut in angrily.

"Well, I can't get a needle through his thick arm!" Jason cried. "No human has any right being so muscular! I have to go for the butt! Now, Clark, close your eyes and think of Bruce!" Jason plunged the needle into the firm tush.

"Hm," Clark said, pulling his pants up, "I didn't feel a thing. Thanks, Nurse Todd," Clark grinned, sitting up. "Bruce, were you here the whole time!?"

Bruce glared. "I wanted to make sure that he wouldn't hurt you," he growled. "Although he probably couldn't have - you've got the epidermis of an elephant."

"Yeah, I bet that's not the only mammoth sized thing he has," Jason said, winning saucily at Bruce. "You're a lucky man."

Bruce spluttered and flushed a deep red hue, and stormed out with Clark at his heels. Jason smiled to himself, realizing that Bruce hadn't refuted the validity of his claims.

\-----------

"Now, this might hurt, Diana," Jason muttered as he held the needle up.

Counselor Prince scoffed in her regal manner as she usually did. "No needle can harm me. I was trained to withstand all forms of pain, both physical and mental. I take everything as an opportunity to build my strength of char-"

"Okay, you're done," Jason hummed. 

Diana looked surprised, but jumped off the bed and walked away, none the worse for the shot. Jason grinned at the Iron Lady walking away, and wished that the rest of the staff were as reasonable. 

\------------

"Oooooh..."

Jason sighed heavily as Dick bent over conceredly over the shivering figure draped over their loveseat. "Oh, you poor thing," he murmured, dabbing at Roy's forehead. 

Jason glared at his ill friend, who despite being told not to darken his and Dick's door that night, had wound up at his place anyway. "Ooh, Dick, you're an angel. Jason, you're not my best friend anymore - Dick is," he said, looking up at his savior with wet eyes. 

Dick smiled indulgently and made to heat up some more soup, leaving Jason alone with his ailing friend, his plan for seducing Dick in ruins. Just when things looked their bleakest, fate decided that Jason had not had his fill of pain that night. 

"Heeeeelpp," a voice whined outside their door. 

Dick ran past Jason and flung open the door to reveal another hapless redhead. "Wally! You poor baby! Come inside," he said, ushering his friend inside, much to Jason's chagrin. Now that his loveseat was fully occupied by wailing gingers, Jason settled in for a long night of babying his supposedly grown up friends.


	6. Bruce Makes a Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What it says in the chapter heading.

"Bruce, I'm worried about you," Dick said, looking up at his adoptive father. "You barely ever leave the school. You need to socialize a little! Make a friend!"

"I have a friend - Clark," Bruce scoffed. 

"Your brick wall of a boyfriend doesn't count," Tim replied. "You need to talk to someone you're not boning three times a week."

"How-how-"

"You're loud, B," Tim informed him kindly, while Dick nodded. "Also, have you considered ever not being on top?"

"Bruce, you need a friend. A platonic friend. I have Wally, Tim has Conner, even Damian has little Colin. You need someone!" Dick interrupted, as Bruce looked likely to implode from shame and horror. 

Bruce threw up his hands in defeat and allowed his sons to organize play dates for him. The things he did for family.

\-----------

"So..."

"Don't. Talk."

Jason sighed and sat back in his chair. "Why am I here again? You're not going to fire me, are you?"

Bruce shook his head. "No. apparently, I am to try and bond with the man who is stealing my son from me with the power of his magic cock."

"It is pretty magical. Just call me Jason Potter," Jason shot back. 

"I shall do no such thing. Dick deserves better than a rude gibbon who cannot vaccinate people properly."

"Well, I say Dickie deserves better than to be chained to a brick who can't emote for the life of him! At least I show Dick every day how much I love him!"

Bruce fell silent at Jason's passionate defense. He considered the young man in front of him and hummed thoughtfully. "You love him."

"Eh? Of course I do! That's what I've been saying and doing for a whole year now!"

Bruce considered the rude, young, man in front of him; the apparent love of Dick's life. "well, he's happy, so you must be good at that."

Jason jumped up, pointing gleefully at Bruce. "Ha! You admitted that I'm good! No take backs! Dick! Guess what?" Jason hollered, summoning his flustered boyfriend. 

"What?"

"Bruce says I'm good at loving you," he announced proudly. 

Dick beamed and engulfed Jason in a hug. "Oh, I know, pumpkin, I know," he said, winking at Bruce. 

For his part, Bruce rolled his eyes and imagined Jason imploding, his smile growing even wider at that happy thought.

\------------

"One, two, one, two, come on Bruce!" Diana roared swinging the confused man in her arms. Bruce stepped in time to her instructions, panicking all the while.

"Diana, this is a ballroom dance class, not the Battle of Ypres," he groaned as his partner's grip grew vice like around his waist. "Also, I'm supposed to lead."

"No, you are incompetent," Diana said briskly. "One, two, one, two, and...dip!" Bruce shrieked as Diana lowered him suddenly, hanging on to her as hard as he could. "Good job!" Diana grinned, and then dropped him. 

Bruce felt his tailbone throb, and decided that the only way that he would ever dance again was if Jason suddenly came upon some manners. Seeing as that was not terribly likely, Bruce contented himself in the knowledge that he wouldn't be dancing any time soon.

\--------------

"Enjoying your book?" Bruce asked briefly, glancing up from his own to look at the other man.

"It's wonderful. The protagonist is drowning in a pool of his own misery. How's your whiskey?" J'onn asked in turn.

"Glencraig. It's excellent. I'm glad we're bonding."

"Yes, its...fun."

Both Bruce and J'onn returned to their respective books, hiding small, but genuine smiles.


	7. A Wedding for Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clark has a plan.
> 
> Damian misunderstands. 
> 
> Bruce needs to stock up on his blood pressure pills.

"Hello, Dick," Clark greeted.

"Hi, Clark! Tea?" Dick asked, as Clark walked into Wayne Manor. 

"Thank you," Clark smiled. "Alfred has you trained well, I see." 

"Alfie would never forgive me if I served up coffee to a houseguest," Dick shuddered. "Although, the rate you're going, you're not going to be a guest much longer, are you?" He asked slyly.

Clark flushed and stuttered, eventually pulling out a small box. Dick gasped as Clark flipped it open to show him a modest ring, fit for someone of Bruce's mild tastes. "Oh, its beautiful," Dick gushed. "I'm so happy for you!"

"Just don't expect us to call you daddy," Tim said, smiling. "Congratulations, and welcome to the family!" He said, hugging his fellow teacher. Tim craned his neck over Clark's shoulder, eyes roving. 

"Conner isn't here," Clark informed him gaily. Tim pouted and smiled, running away shyly, no doubt to Skype with his own boyfriend. Bruce entered just as his son ran out, looking confused.

"Why is Tim in such a hurry? And why are you giggling, Dick?"

Dick made to leave as well, but was stopped by Clark. "Stay, I need a witness to this," he said. Then, he approached his boyfriend and took his hand. "Bruce, I've loved you for a long time now," he said soulfully. "Nothing would make me happier than if you would agree to spending the rest of your life with me. Will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?"

Bruce blinked in shock at the ring Clark was enthusiastically brandishing, and took it. "Alright" he said, always a man of a few words. Clark let out a squeal and dipped Bruce in an excitable kiss, while Dick wept and took pictures. It wasn't until Bruce dislodged his mouth from Clark's that he noticed another spectator. 

"Damian?"

The littlest Wayne stood rooted in the hall, his eyes blown wide with shock. He raised a shaking finger to point at Clark, and whispered, "Evil!" Before running off, straight out the door. Dick took off after his brother, only to return a few minutes later with tears in his eyes.

"I can't find him!"

Bruce and Clark jumped into action tearing the city apart in their cars, while Tim placed frantic calls to the police station and raced down to Damian's favorite park. Dick ran around the city like a headless chicken, to parks, animal shelters, and scouring for any trace of his missing, traumatized, brother. 

\------------

"Um..."

When Jason had woken up that morning he had not expected to be made caretaker of his boyfriend's weepy baby brother. 

"There, there," Jason tried in vain. Damian kept up a steady stream of tears and sobs, insisting that he was now going to be a homeless, poor, orphan. "What!?" Jason burst out. "Did everyone die!? Is Dick-"

Damian glared at him. "Don't you dare, Todd! Grayson is not dead! It is my future that is dead! My place in the family that will be erased, as Kent and Father will bring forth new progeny and my brothers and I will be made to sweep and mop up after them. No longer will we have freedom, no longer will we be able to go to the ball!"

Jason stared in horror, before sighing in understanding. "You read Cinderella, didn't you?" Damian sobbed loudly in response. "The Brothers Grimm version?" More tears. Jason sighed and picked up the squirming child. "Alright, squirt, let's get you home."

\---------

"DAMIAN!" 

Dick's shriek tore through the house, brining all the men to the hall. Dick was hugging his brother and crying, planting wet kisses on Damian and surprisingly, Todd. "You found him! Oh, Jason!"

Jason shrugged off the praise with a smirk. "Heh. More like the kid found me. Bruce, you might want to start giving him more age appropriate stories to read," he cautioned the relieved man. 

"Damian, what-"

"I won't have it!" Damian shrieked. "I won't be second best to yours and Kent's progeny! You can't make me sweep the fireplace! You can't torture Grayson into sewing dresses! I won't allow it! I'll kill everyone first!"

"...The Brothers Grimm, Cinderella," Jason said by way of explanation. 

Bruce gaped as Dick and Tim burst into relieved laughter. "Damian," Bruce sighed. "Clark and I won't do any of those things. We love you all, and Clark wanted to ask if he could adopt you."

Damian stilled and looked suspiciously at Clark, who smiled nervously. "Really? You won't beat us? Or torture us? Or force Father to disown us and force us to work till we're covered in soot? Drake wouldn't survive it - he's as frail as a mouse!"

Tim, who wasn't all that delicate, opened his mouth to refute this, but was stopped short by Clark scooping Damian into his arms. "Of course not!" He said good naturedly. "I love everyone in this little family. I do want to adopt you, seeing as neither Bruce or I want any more children - we're quite happy with the ones here."

Damian looked surprised, but nodded. "That is agreeable. If you adopt me, what do I call you?"

"How about Pop?"

"How plebeian."

"Father part 2?"

"Too long."

"Daddy?"

Damian paused, considering. "That is adequate. Will you be adopting Grayson and Drake as well?"

Damian's innocent comment was met with laughter and Tim's anguished wail. Clark laughed. "Oh no, I don't think that will suit Tim's arrangement with my brother well at all. After all, he can't very well be intimate with his uncle, now, could he?"

"True," Damian said reasonably. "When will you stop living in sin with Father and marry him?"

Bruce sighed and left the room then, overwhelmed by the day's happenings. Clark watched him leave, and turned around, speaking in a hushed voice. "Actually, I was hoping that I could have your help with this..."

\-----------

The next Monday, Clark stuffed Bruce into a tuxedo and bundled him into the car, and drive him to school. Wayne Academy had been transformed due to the efforts of the dedicated staff. Flowers twirled around the railings, and there was a makeshift aisle down the center of the hall, where the ceremony would take place.

Dick was led down the aisle first, on Jason's arm, followed by Tim and Conner, who had made the trip down from Kansas for the event. 

Bruce was led down the aisle by Alfred to where Clark stood, who looked on the verge of tears. Once he had deposited Bruce's hand in Clark's, Alfred took the front seat reserved for the bride's parents. 

Bruce turned to the priest, who turned out to be J'onn Jones. "Dearly beloved," J'onn rumbled. "We are gathered here today to witness the union of our beloved Principal Wayne to our wonderful Mr. Kent. Their relationship has withstood several difficulties, namely Bruce being a stodgy coot, but has flourished, enriching both their lives. Bruce, do you take Clark as your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do, but I don't think that you're qualified to officiate a wedding," Bruce informed his friend. 

"I am, actually. I was ordained by the power of the internet. Clark, do you take Bruce to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do," Clark said gently, eliciting a rare smile from Bruce.

"May I have the rings?" J'onn called, beckoning Damian forward. Damian waddled forward, uncomfortable in his new tux, and presented the rings on a plush pillow. 

"Damian, is that my foot pillow!?"

"Sorry, Father, Titus drooled on the other one," Damian informed him apologetically. "Concentrate, now."

Bruce sighed and slipped his ring on Clark's muscled finger, and Clark did the same.

"I now pronounce you married. You may now hold hands, because you're not allowed to kiss on school grounds." Bruce and Clark did as directed, while Ms Hol directed the school choir in a rousing rendition of the school song. The newly minted husbands walked down the aisle while they were pelted by paper balls in lieu of rice, and Roy passed Bruce a hasty bouquet stolen from the botany lab. He glared at Roy and flung the bouquet away, only for it to end up in Dick's delighted hands. Before Bruce could panic at the implication of that, Clark whisked him away to the cheers of the entire congregation. 

They had a honeymoon to get to.


	8. Bonding, of sorts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason gets to be paternal.
> 
> Dick likes to see Jason being paternal. 
> 
> Dick likes to see Jason, period.

Exam season was in full swing, and both the teachers and students of Wayne Academy were struggling to keep up with their epic workload. Jason saw several students a week coming over faint due to stress, and was knee-deep in anguished teens.

His love life wasn't amazing either, with Dick being bogged down with his marking, often bringing Tim along with him. Together, they would colonize the dining table with their AP class papers, leaving Jason alone with his cold ravioli and an armful of Damian.

"Why can't Bruce or Clark - his dads - look after him again? Or Alfred?" Jason had asked Dick one night.

"Exam time is stressful on Bruce and Clark too, and Alfie's old," Dick had reasoned. "Besides, you know how much Damian means to me - he practically my baby!" Jason had gagged at the mental image of Dick and Bruce bringing forth their offspring, and would subsequently be banished to the couch when Dick found out and took offense. "You love Tim, and it would mean so much to me if you could try to bond with Damian as well."

Jason remembered his promise to Dick and sighed, looking down at Damian. "So what's the plan, kid?"

"I have homework to do till five 'o clock, after which I will practice my judo for an hour, then the violin, and then you may take me outside till eight, upon which time I will have dinner, and then go to bed," Damian rattled off obediently.

Jason raised his eyebrows, clearly surprised, but waved Damian off. "Go on then," he said, "hop to it."

Damian glared. "Grayson makes me a snack, because he says growing boys need energy." Jason sighed and set about preparing some carrot sticks and dip under Damian's careful scrutiny. Once he had placed the dish in front of him, Damian cleared his throat again. "At this point, Grayson kisses me here," he said, gesturing to his temple, "because he loves me more than anyone in the world." Jason rolled his eyes and obliged, smacking a kiss to the little brat's head.

"Alright?"

"Hmm," Damian considered, chewing on a carrot ponderously, "it was adequate. Grayson's lips are softer and he smells like honey. Your lips are chapped and you smell of desperation and ruin." Having said his bit, Damian turned to his homework, leaving Jason to gape at the sheer amount of sass that had assaulted him.

An hour later, Damian waddled over to Dick and pulled on his sleeve. "I have finished with my homework. Come and train with me," he said. Dick grinned and led Damian and Tim to the living room, where he spied Jason lounging on the sofa.

"Sweetums, we're going to practice our judo now. Do you want to join us?"

"Nah," Jason answered. "I was raised to fight dirty, as a gritty orphan on the streets of Gotham- oh, wow," he stopped, pleasantly surprised, as Dick peeled off his shirt, signaling for Tim and Damian to do the same. Jason's lust turned to surprise as Tim revealed his own defined body, and then to hysterical laughter as Damian took off his own shirt, revealing the smallest outie Jason had ever seen. 

"Ha, ha-OW! What the hell!" Jason cried, as Damian pounced on him. 

"You dare to disparage the temple that is my body!" Damian growled, flailing his five-year-old fists against Jason.

At that point, Dick managed to pull Damian's training shirt over his head and carried him off to spar, leaving Jason on the floor, wheezing with residual mirth and pain. Eventually, he opened his eyes to see Tim hovering over him. "What?"

"Do you want to spar with me?" Tim asked mildly. "We can do a style you're familiar with."

Jason grinned. "Sure, why not? Mixed martial arts okay with you?" Tim nodded and led Jason to the middle of the room, and for several consecutive rounds brought Jason's head in a chokehold between his thighs, leaving the older man weeping in agony and humiliation. 

"Dickie! Save me!" He called, as Tim hummed and squeezed. Dick sauntered over and detached Jason from between Tim's thighs. "You little turd!" Jason cried, pointing at Tim. "I demand a rematch!"

Damian made an irritated sound. "No. Fight Time is over. It is now Piano Time. Todd, come and help turn the pages of my book," he said, stalking away imperiously. Jason followed, shooting Tim an angry glance. Tim just waggled his fingers coyly, smirking at his victory. 

"Do you smell that, Jay?" Tim called. "It's the smell of defeat, permeating every cell in your body!"

For the next hour, Jason flipped pages as Damian tried to master Für Elise, leaving the nurse to spy on Dick and salivate at the sliver of skin that he could see peeking out of his shirt. His lust was once again curbed, this time by a pointy elbow digging into his thigh. "Ow! What the hell!?"

Damian sat primly, looking disdainfully at Jason. "Can you not think of anything but ravishing my brother? You are such a base creature, Todd." He dodged expertly as Jason made to strangle him, and scoffed. "The weight of your idiocy is slowing you down. Now come, Piano Time is over. It is now Damian Fun Time."

"Oh no."

"At this time," Damian said, carrying on as though there had been no interruption, "Grayson takes me to the park, or the animal shelter, and sometimes to get the Forbidden Treat at the café."

"Forbidden Treat?" Jason echoed disbelievingly. 

"Father detests vanilla ice cream," Damian elaborated. "There was an Unfortunate Incident involving it in his youth, and we may never speak of it. Now come, I wish to hang from the monkey bars," he said, leading a confused Jason out the door. 

Jason took Damian to the park, where he watched the boy swing methodically from one monkey bar to the next, occasionally critiquing other children's forms. After a while, Damian wandered off into a bush, leaving Jason to follow. Soon, Damian emerged, holding a ball of dirt. 

"Jeez, kid, throw that away. Don't touch dirt!"

Damian glared at Jason and shoved the ball of dirt into his face. It took Jason a minute to register that the ball was moving, and promptly screamed upon his realization. "EEEK! Sentient ball of dirt!"

"Meow."

Jason looked closer to see that the ball of dirt had morphed into a tiny, grey, kitten, which was mewling pathetically in Damian's hands. "She needs help," Damian said, nuzziling the ball of fluff. Upon closer inspection, Jason saw that the cat was all skin and bone, and was shivering. "You're a nurse - help her!"

Jason sighed and bundled the kitten in his jacket before tugging Damian home. He stopped off at the pet store to pick up some formula and a baby bottle before heading home. "Honey? I'm home," he called, only for Tim to show up. Jason wrinkled his nose. "You're not my honey."

Tim grinned. "Dick's in the kitchen. What've you got there?"

At that moment, Dick chose to come out, and went into transports of delight when he spied the bundle in Jason's arms. "Oh, Jay! You got us a baby! I knew you loved me!"

Jason revealed the kitten. "Babe, it's a cat. I think Bruce really screwed with your mind, just bringing babies home willy nilly. There's a process, you know."

"Todd! The kitten needs help! Do something!" Damian demanded angrily. 

Jason sighed and placed the kitten near the stove to keep her warm, and set about making formula while Damian crowed incessantly in his ear. Feeding the cat turned out to be another trial, with Damian hanging over his shoulder, insisting that he was doing it all wrong. Finally, Jason yelled for Dick to stuff his brother's mouth with dinner to make him shut up, and proceeded to feed the cat in peace. At the end of the feeding, the kitten gave a soft meow and licked Jason's hand gratefully. Jason grinned - at least someone appreciated him. 

Jason handed the kitten over to Damian, who proceeded to fuss over it as he would never for another human. Just as Jason was about to leave, he felt a pair of arms encircle his waist. "Oh, Jay," Dick breathed, "seeing you all caring and attentive does things to me."

Jason grinned salaciously and directed his partner into the bedroom. "Just call me Daddy," he growled, making Dick jump in anticipation. The door shut as Dick giggled merrily, leaving Damian to fuss over his newest pet, and Tim standing alone in the kitchen, a spoonful of ravioli halfway to his mouth, incredibly disturbed at the daddy issues permeating the air . 

\-----------

Later that night, Jason walked out of the bedroom, happy and sated from his daddy role play sex, when he spied Damian on the pull out couch, still wide awake. The boy looked up at Jason and narrowed his eyes. "I heard what you were doing to Grayson," he said lowly, "and I will have you know that Father would be most disturbed if he knew."

Jason had the good grace to look ashamed, but quickly recovered. "What are you still doing up?"

"Edna is hungry," Damian said, bringing the mewling kitten up to Jason's face. Jason grumbled and went to heat up more formula, and re-entered the living room to find Damian talking to the kitten.

"Don't die, little Edna. Maybe your mother didn't want you, but I do. Being sick doesn't mean that you're going to die; if that were the case, then Drake would be a zombie," he whispered, stroking the shivering, grey, lump. Jason cracked a smile in spite of himself, and cleared his throat. Damian hurried over and thrust the kitten into his hands, and danced around agitatedly as Jason fed her. Jason soon returned Damian's new pet to him, and watched as the boy kissed the kitten before he had a sudden thought. 

"Dick kisses you goodnight, doesn't he?"

Damian nodded silently, too focused on his cat. Jason grinned and picked the boy up, pressing a sloppy kiss to his chubby cheek, while Damian squirmed. Satisfied, Jason went back to bed, to Dick, but not before he heard a whisper so soft, he could have imagined it. 

"You smell like vanilla."

Jason smiled, shutting the door softly behind him.

\-----------

Exam week was over, and everyone was over at Wayne Manor for their weekly family dinner, when Bruce wrinkled his nose pointedly. "What smells like vanilla?"

"Jason does," Dick was quick to point out. 

"Hmm," Bruce rumbled, pursing his lips. "I hate vanilla."

Jason gulped, but found himself paying attention when Damian piped up, "I rather think I like vanilla."

Bruce gave a withering gasp, his eyes bugging out of his head at his son's choices. Beside him, Clark and Tim fed him water and rubbed his back as the head of the hyperventilated. 

Jason high fived Damian across the table, while Dick looked at Jason as though he had hung the moon in the sky. "Bruce, I like vanilla too. In fact, I love vanilla," he breathed heavily at Jason, who preened hornily.

Bruce wept, and let the sweet embrace of unconsciousness take him.


	9. Performance Reviews

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's that time of the year.
> 
> Bruce stocks up on Advil.

"Enter," Bruce called at the tentative knocks on his door. The door swung open to reveal one fidgety Mr. Wallace West. "Ah, Mr. West, please be seated," Bruce said, gesturing expansively to the chair in the middle of the room. Wally skittered over at perched himself on the chair as Bruce stood up and circled his cowering form slowly, purposefully. 

"Well, Mr. West, I have your annual review here," he said, standing menacingly behind the redhead. Wally emitted a noise not unlike a small rodent passing gas. "You have shown a remarkable passing rate with your students. Their detailed answers on their biology exams show that they have a deep understanding of the subject." Bruce paused to clear his throat before continuing.

"On the subject of your fifth grade homeroom students, they say that you are a "fun" teacher," Bruce remarked loftily. "Now, you know my policy on...fun, Mr. West," Bruce said, leaning down to whisper into Wally's ear. "Would you please quote it to me?"

"Worry not a-about your reward, work well d-done is its own reward," Wally quoted his boss shakily. 

"That's right," Bruce purred. "So, I expect that your students will understand the value of hard work from hereonin, isn't that right, Mr. West? Wally nodded nervously. "Good," Bruce said sharply. "Your contract has been renewed, now get out. I don't want you pissing on my good chair."

Wally ran out at such a pace that Einstein would be left to rethink the theory of relativity.

\------------

"Hello, J'onn."

"Hello, Principal Wayne."

"Your students seem to be a bright bunch."

"They are. I enjoy teaching them about various government policies."

"Ooh, that always got my gears going. Endlessly interesting."

"I agree. I'm very passionate about it myself."

"How lovely. Well, everything seems to be in order - I'll see you later in the day."

"Thank you. Goodbye, Bruce."

"Goodbye, J'onn. Good talk."

\-----------

"Shayera, please, take a seat." 

Shayera sat down and stared at Bruce expectantly, waving her baton. "Bruce. Did you enjoy the band's rendition of Scheherazade Op. 35 for the Annual Day celebrations?"

"It was masterfully done," Bruce noted, inclining his head politely. "The young girl with the violin solo was magnificent. Cassandra, was it?"

"Yes, Miss Cain is one of my prized pupils. The poor child suffered a terrible accident which left her an orphan, and rendered her mute. I noticed her affinity for music when I heard her playing an old violin at St. Aden's Orphanage, and sponsored her education here."

Bruce looked touched, which was no small thing for the otherwise marble faced man. "It's love,y that you take such initiative. An orphan, is she?"

"Yes, that's right."

"I see. Well, thank you for your wonderful work, Shayera, I'll see you later." As soon as Shayera left, Bruce placed a call. 

"Alfred? How soon can we draw up adoption papers?"

\-----------

"You look peaky, did you eat lunch?"

Tim sighed. "Yes, Bruce, I did, can we please discuss my classes now?"

"You've gotten skinner. Have you been exercising too much? You can't compare yourself to Dick, your brother is a flexible freak of nature. You're your own person with your own strengths."

"Yes, Bruce, thank you. Now on the subject of my classes-"

"No spills? No accidents? Did you get hurt!?"

"No, no, I'm fine, everyone's fine. My students have all been doing really well, actually. On their last exams, they scored an average of- BRUCE!" Tim squeaked, as Bruce leaned forward and pinched his cheek. 

"I saw the assessments. You're a good teacher, Tim, I never had any doubt about that," Bruce gushed. Suddenly, his brow furrowed. "You were warm though, are you sure that you're not developing a fever?"

"Ugh."

\------------

"Dick, your classes are going well, I see," Bruce commented, looking at his reports. "Several Wayne Academy students, Damian included, are competing at the National level for gymnastics, with you as their coach."

Dick nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, we are! Would you like to see their costumes?" Dick asked, already fishing around in his bag. 

"I hope they'll be tasteful- LoRD HAVE MERCY! Dick! Have you lost your mind!?" Bruce yelled, looking at the wisps of clothing on his desk.

"Whoops, those are mine," Dick giggled, hastily stuffing his own outfit away, while Bruce breathed heavily. "This is for the kids," he said, laying out a far more modest costume. "Can you imagine how cute Damian is going to look?"

Bruce looked at the bright red and green outfit with gems all over it and chuckled, imagining his youngest waddling around in the form-fitting monstrosity. "I want plenty of pictures," he said pointedly. 

"Of course! Jason's in charge of the photography, he'll be great!" Dick enthused.

Bruce harrumphed, doubting Jason's ability to be great at anything, not knowing that he would soon be vindicated in his meanness.

\-----------

"Dick, son, I know that you're pretty, but do you have any pictures of the children competing?"

"They'll be there, I'm sure Jason took a number of photos of the kids," Dick replied, frowning as he and Bruce leafed through the multitude of photos. "Me, me, me, me cheering on Artemis, me, me, ooh Damian, look at my cute, little potato! Me, me again-"

"Speaking of you," Bruce said, snatching up a photo of his eldest, "we need to have words about your dress. What in God's glorious name is this!?"

Dick squinted at the photo and laughed. "Bruce, that's me on the trapeze. You know that's how I dress for competitions."

"Son, I don't want the rest of the world knowing what your tush looks like," Bruce groaned. "First prize, no doubt," he muttered under his breath. 

"Yes! How did you know?"

Bruce's answering thunk of his head meeting the polished surface of his teakwood table served only to confuse poor Dick even further.

\-------------

"Mr. Harper, your students essays are very...," Bruce petered off, at a loss for words. 

Roy took his boss' silence as being to stunned for words, and preened. "They're excellent, aren't they?"

"My existence is a struggle, not unlike the trudge of the unhappy donkey that treks fastidiously uphill, burdened with life's baggage in the form of bags upon bags of his master's used dildos," Bruce read out a student's dramatic essay. "Mr. Harper, you gave this student an A+," he noted in disbelief.

"Yes, Mr. Nygma is one of my best students," Roy said. "He has such a flair for the dramatic!"

"I wallow through the sodden, dung splattered, fields of my mind, hoping against all hope to find one glimmer of inspiration - that elusive mistress that tweaks my nipples gently, and leaves me hard and wanting." Bruce put the essay down and looked tiredly at Roy. "Mr. Harper, your students are supposed to be studying Hamlet!"

"They are!" Roy exclaimed. "This is written from athe point of view of Hamlet himself! I ask the children to enter into his mindset, and feel what the young prince would have felt in the moment that he realized the betrayal-"

"Harper, just-" Bruce stuttered, "leave. Please, just...go."

Roy left with a twirl, huffing about how some people just couldn't appreciate the fine arts,

\-----------

Roy's job was secured for another year, however, when Bruce burst into sobs at the school's showing of Hamlet, where Edward Nygma gave a rousing performance as the tortured prince, culminating in a standing ovation and a scholarship to Juilliard. 

\-----------


	10. Happiness and Hankys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damian is going to pop the question, much to Jason's inconvenience.
> 
> Dick cries, Clark tries, and Bruce gets to experience one of the great joys of fatherhood.

Recess was always a subdued time at Wayne Academy - just how it should be, according to the headmaster. The students bounced balls in an orderly manner, and waited their for turn on the swings obediently and quietly. Every now and then, a quiet "whee!" could be heard, along with the giggles of several children. 

In other words, there was nothing that would cause disquiet. In fact, the only thing that often caused disquiet was Mr. Grayson, who could not restrain himself from picking up and squeezing a passing child, eliciting happy squeals and giggles from those around him. 

On the whole, recess was a peaceful affair. 

Until Wednesday, that is. 

\------------

Damian was so engrossed in his task of picking flowers in the botany lab that he did not register the large, angry, adult behind him until he had been grabbed by the collar. 

"Damian Wayne, just what do you think you're doing?" An irate Mr. John Stewart, the botany professor, demanded, holding Damian suspended in midair. 

"Let me go! I need these flowers!"

"For what?"

"I'll never tell! Do your worst!"

John sighed. "Ms. Quinzel, would you tell me what is going on here?"

"Quinzel, you've already failed as a lookout, don't you dare squeal on me!" Damian squeaked angrily at the contrite looking girl. 

"I'm tryna save us from detention!" She sniffled back. "Mr. Stewart, we was tryna get the flowers for a weddin'," little Harleen confessed. 

"Whose wedding?" John asked suspiciously. 

"Damian's! He's gonna marry Colin at three 'o clock, and I'm the flower girl!" Harleen trilled. 

John looked down at the stubborn child hanging from his arm and poutingo and burst out laughing. "Why do you want to get married so soon, Damian? You should enjoy bachelorhood."

"Pshaw," Damian huffed dismissively, sounding more posh than any five year old had a right to be. "I know what I want, and I will not tarry. Indecision is for the weak, and I am the son of the two strongest willed men alive! I will wed Colin, and we'll live happily ever after! You'll see!"

Forty years down the road, when John would attend Colin's and Damian's twentieth wedding anniversary, he would recall those very words and crack a smile. But he was not to know that now. Present day, John settled for dropping Damian and his pilfered flowers and watching amusedly as the pair of children ran out with their ill-gotten gains.

\-----------

"Flowers?"

"Check!"

"Balloons?" 

"Check!"

"Music?" 

"Check!"

"Colin?"

"Here!" The tiny redhead called back, waving goofily. Damian lowered his checklist to smile and grab his husband-to-be's hand, causing both of them to blush.

"Very well, then. All we need now is an officiant. Logan, Quinn, Anders, you're our witnesses," Damian rattled off, his three little cronies jumping to attention happily. 

"May we throw rice, friend Damian?" Little Kory Anders asked, clasping her hands. 

"I have smuggled quinoa out of the pantry at home," Damian said proudly, displaying the uncooked grains. "We have to use it sparingly, though. Father is already upset at not having enough for lunch today." A bunch of little heads nodded excitedly, and grabbed fistfuls of the grain. "Now, all we have to do is wait for the recess bell, and we will be wed, my beloved," Damian said lovingly, turning to Colin.

"But Dami..."

"Beloved?"

"Whose gonna give me away? I don't have parents," Colin sniffled. 

Damian's little heart broke as he watched Colin cry, and he railed at the cosmos for leaving his love an orphan. "Do not fret, my love," Damian soothed his little fiancé, "I know someone who'll be just right for the job."

\-----------

"Grayson, I need you to walk with me," Damian demanded, crawling into his brother's lap. Dick watched Damian's ascent with amusement, and waited till the boy was seated to speak. 

"Where to, lovebug?" 

"Just until the swing set outside. Then you can sit in the allotted area for family and cry. I've even prepared some tissues for you."

"Why would I cry?" Dick asked with mounting dread. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to get married to Colin. Speaking of my love, I need you to recruit Todd to walk him down the aisle."

Dick was going to combst from the cuteness. "Maybe you should ask him, it'll mean so much more coming from the groom himself," he suggested earnestly. 

Damian nodded in understanding. "A wise suggestion. There's a reason you're my favorite adult. I will speak to Todd immediately." Saying so, Damian waddled off, with Dick hot on his heels, not wanting to miss his two favorite people interacting. 

\------------

"Todd, you're being commandeered for a most noble duty. Put on something respectable and come with me."

"Um," Jason said, staring down at an impatient Damian. Slowly, he reached forward to feel the child's forehead. "Huh, no fever."

Damian slapped Jason's hand away and jumped onto his lap to throttle him. "I'm not sick! I'm getting married and you have to walk Colin down the aisle-"

"Oh God, the five year old is getting married earlier than we are, Dickie," Jason moaned. "Better start pulling out the wedding catalogues."

"What wedding?" 

Jason swirled around, Damian clinging to him, to face Bruce, who was hovering like an overgrown bat over Dick. "My wedding, Father," Damian piped up. "I am set to marry Colin in ten minutes. As Colin has no parents, I am commandeering Todd as his pseudo-father to give him away."

"And who will give you away?" Bruce asked amusedly. 

"Grayson will. He will then sit in the front row and cry into a lacy handkerchief as befits the mother of the groom."

"And what of me?" Bruce asked softly. 

Damian looked stunned at the question, and stuttered incomprehensibly before answering, "I... I didn't think that you would want to- that is to say, I thought you would be too busy," he finished quietly, looking at his shoes with unprecedented interest. 

Bruce stooped down and tickled Damian's chin to get him to look up. "I'll never be too busy for you, Damian. You're my child, just like Tim, Dick, and soon, Cassandra."

"Who?"

"You'll see," Bruce said cheerfully. "Now what about that wedding?"

"Ah, yes," Damian nodded, focusing on the most important event of his life. "I have asked Daddy Clark to officiate, and Grayson will sit and cry after leading me down the aisle. I suppose you can do the same," he said, looking happily at Bruce.

"Here, you can borrow my hanky to cry on," Jason said, tossing Bruce a red cloth. "Its more butch than Dickie's."

Bruce shot Jason a glare, but obligingly tucked the handkerchief away, and allowed Damian to drag him out to the playground. "Smile, Bruce," Dick encouraged his father. "It's the first wedding of all of your children!"

And for once, Bruce did as he was told.

\----------

The playground was pindrop silent as Damian and Colin faced each other. "Damian, do you take Colin to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Clark asked his son. 

"I do," Damian affirmed. "I will love, cherish, and protect you, my love, for all my days."

In the background, Dick sobbed into a lacy hanky while Bruce looked despairingly at his eldest. Jason took the opportunity to drape his arm over Dick, supposedly to offer comfort, but retracted his arm when his hand grazed Bruce's unforgiving cheek. 

"And do you, Colin, take Damian to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I sure do, Mr. Kent! I promise to love you more than anything in the world, ever, Dami."

"Then by the power invested in me by the Principal of Wayne Academy, I now pronounce you boy and boy! You may now hold hands!" Clark trilled, watching Damian and Colin skip back up the aisle, looking every bit the happy five year olds that they were.

\----------

"Whoa!" Bruce cried out as he slipped on the courtyard, falling back into someone's waiting arms.

"Oof! You really need to cut down on the steak, boss man. You've put on weight," Jason groaned, struggling to stay upright with Bruce in his arms.

"What is this?" Bruce asked, righting himself. He inspected the ground with his keen, analytical, eye, and jumped in shock when he realized what had caused his fall. "My top of the line, organic, quinoa! How did it get here!?"

"We were using it as rice to throw at the wedding, Principal Wayne," Kory Anders piped up, throwing another little fistful into the air. 

Bruce frowned as his to-be lunch rained down upon him, while Jason guffawed to the side. "Guess you'll be losing some weight after all," he snarked. 

Bruce calmly turned around and pulled Dick close. "Son, how keen are you to be married?"

"Oh, very keen," Dick sighed dreamily. 

"Well, you'll have to find someone else," Bruce said sadly, "because if you marry Todd, you'll end up a widower almost immediately. I'm going to kill him, you see."

"Bruce!"

"Augh!"

"Can I have your stereo when you die?" Wally asked a frightened Jason.

"Can I have Dick when you die?" Roy chimed in tactlessly.

After a beat of silence, the courtyard was filled with the screams of Mr. Roy Harper, as both Bruce and Jason banded together for the first and possibly last time in their lives to dispatch the red headed horrors of Wayne Academy.


End file.
